Just Friends

Posted by topeolowu on

Just Friends                                                               Image copyright: cddr.kalaydina.ru

I made your favorite meal; the wine as chilled as the morgue
Just the way you like it
I bought the skimpiest lingerie; the fairest shade of blue
Just the way you like it
I was ready to be your Jezebel
Just the way you want it
I was ready to bury the deceit
In the cemetery of forgiveness
Just as you asked me

I saw you with her and I stalled in my tracks
Time stood still
Frozen forever when I saw how she looked at you
You were looking deeply into her eyes
The blackness of your eyes tattooed into her skin
The moment was so magical and spell bounding
I was reluctant to break the spell
It hurts to see you so tender with just a look

I saw you with her and I honestly wished that was me
Time stood still
The sun went on vacation
The stars called in sick
All I could see was the cloud, heavily pregnant and going into labour
My spirit was drenched
This is the missing piece of the jigsaw
Why I get less than I give

How could I have missed the signs?
She is just a friend
Who knows your innermost thoughts
She is just a friend
Who caresses you with her eyes
She is just a friend
So you said
Your mouth tells a lie
The truth is blazing in the pool of your eyes

I am ready to start afresh
Just as you said
To bury her in the cemetery of forgiveness
Just as you asked
I am ready to be your woman
Just as I promised
Because you fit me like the right pair of skinny jeans
Even though I get less than I give
I am ready to take whatever you give
Just the way it has been
I am not a fool
Just for the records

I didn’t get the Memo!!!!!!!!

Posted by topeolowu on

Mum's thanksgiving 215

“Mum!”, screamed Toni. Isn’t it saying “go get it rude?”


I said it depends on your tone of voice. Tito butted in, ” Mummy she screamed it at me, she didn’t say it in a good voice”.

“Yes I did, you dumb girl, Toni said”.

This tirade went on and on with one of them starting to cry, soon enough the other joined in. This must be because one must have hit the other. It doesn’t matter who hit who because at this point all I wanted to do is curl up somewhere and cry.  I wanted to cry in self-pity; why did I do this to myself? I think I am too young to have these children or any child at all. I had no training or preparation at all on what to expect with motherhood. I took care of my neighbours’ kids but I gave them back. Also, I never saw any of them squabble with their siblings. They were babies.  I became pregnant after dating my then boyfriend and now my hubby for three years. It was sudden and unexpected but we embraced it and got married. We had Tito and exactly a year after I became pregnant with Toni. I was not happy at all; this isn’t how I pictured my life. Two children within two years of marriage!!!!!! However,  I took to motherhood like a duck in water. The girls were fine for the first three years of their lives and that was all the peace and tranquility we ever had. Why can’t they stay frozen in time?

As a young girl, I fought my sisters but do I ever think of the effect on my parents? Who does that anyway? Parenting is hard or shall I just say motherhood because hubby doesn’t seem perturbed or maybe he’s a good actor? When they fight, I try to ignore and then I get their reports in tears. Then I try mediating but it often falls flat because I’m accused of taking sides. Which results in tears from one or both of them and then I scream at them. So in tears, they retort back saying, ” You don’t have to scream at us”. Yes, you can read my thoughts at that moment loud and clear. When they fight, I can’t smack them because that has been taken completely off the table. The reason? How long have you got? I have been on a lot of training on Positive Parenting but when they fight I count 1-100. By the time I’m done, I can’t remember anything on Positive Parenting and all I want is my Mummy.

One of my goals as a young girl was to get married and have children; girls to be precise. However, I didn’t get the memo on how tough and hard motherhood is. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. Did I even imagine what it would be?  When most people have children, they say it is the best thing that has ever happened to them. They claim it is the best thing they have ever done. Honestly, my thoughts are muddled up when they fight. I am very positive that I am not thinking this is the best thing I’ve ever done. I kid you not, it is extremely challenging. However, it is rewarding and fulfilling too. When I use a lipstick and my girls say it is so cool or that doesn’t suit you, then I think to myself, motherhood isn’t so bad. When Tito struts down in my 6 inches shoes without missing a step, then my heart is filled with pride. The girls say we are BFF; best friends forever and I don’t regret having them whether planned or unplanned. I sincerely pray the bickering would be taken a notch down.


I’m not saying I expect motherhood to be a walk in the park. I just wish people were more honest about how hard it is

RE: RULES FOR DATING MY SISTER BY SAGAY AGBALAYA

Posted by topeolowu on

 

I_Love_Your_Sister_pg1_by_Rummi_chan

#DearFutureBrotherInlaw

Yeah yeah. I know you don’t expect anyone to believe you would adhere to your rules if dating another brother’s sister. I feel the same way too, I wouldn’t want any man to mess with my sister.
I’m here because I’m ready to follow your rules. Not that I’m so naive, but because I love your sister and I would do almost anything to have her. I‘ll respond to your rules seriatim.

1. You want me to make my sweetheart bring me to you as soon as I meet her.
This first rule might have been overtaken by event. In law, we say the law doesn’t compel the impossible. I’ll definitely not lose your sister because of this. I already met her before you wrote this, and I met her well; very well. I almost didn’t believe that guys still meet girls well these days.

2. At my first meeting with you, you want me to fill a simple form stating the details of my parents, Pastor/Imam’s phone numbers and the best time to meet with them.
I suspect you intend to contact or meet with these people to get information about my character and marriagability. I might as well tell you what you’ll get from them. Wasting your call units may not be such a cool idea. As for my Pastor, I was the secretary of the committee that organized his new private jet. I’m also a coordinator of the church’s youth wing. At the mention of Sagay, my Pastor must give his endorsement.
As for my mom – I have a strong feeling you may want to contact her, and not my dad – if you ever make the mistake of hinting to her that your inquiries have to do with a babe, dating or marriage, I know what she’ll say. She’s been on my neck to introduce my fiancee to her, a step which I’m yet to take. Let me warn you of the consequence – She’ll know your parents and your grand-parents within a week and she’ll get in touch with them. She’ll take things out of our hands. You will eventually lose the influence you think you have.
So, who are you calling first? My mom or my Pastor?

3. You don’t want me to touch your sister in your presence.
I’m also forbidden to look at her below the neck. Brother, I’m an actor. If I didn’t get a law degree, I would have played several roles in Nollywood and I would have kissed Genevieve, smooched Funke Akindele and slapped Tonto Dike in different movies. This suggests I can act out anything you want since I am assuming you are the director, producer and marketer here. I hereby affirm and promise that I will never touch your sister in your presence. Why on earth should I even do that? It’s been 30 minutes since I finished reading your rules on Tope Olowu’s blog and I’ve touched everything on her. EVERYTHING as in E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I couldn’t touch her heart but I touched the mound of flesh atop it.
As for looking at her below the neck, that won’t be difficult because you will never catch me. I’m squint-eyed! When I look at Ibadan, you’ll think I’m looking at Oyo town. Let me confess; I can’t survive a minute without looking at your sister’s boobs. That is all I can do when I can’t touch them. When she turns her behind and I look, you’ll think I’m looking at her shoes. Bros, forget it, you’ll never catch me!

4. You won’t allow an ex-convict date your sister.
I’m not an ex-convict and I’ll never be convicted by any court of law in Nigeria. It’s not possible because I’m a sharp boy. As long as you don’t restrict people who have been investigated by EFCC, I won’t be disqualified. You should know that you are not yet a big boy in Nigeria unless EFCC investigates you. They rarely get convictions that much anyway. When was the last time you heard of one? James Ibori?
As for sagging trousers, I’ll never be caught in it. Trust me.

5. Crazy hairstyle?
Really, it’s not like I wouldn’t love having some Sango hairstyle but I’m going bald just like Segun Arinze. Low cut does it for me.

6. You don’t want me trying to impress you.
Bros, I won’t. I know you don’t send me. Actually, that feeling is mutual. I really shouldn’t have any business with you if not for that thing called love. I love your sister. Never mind, I won’t try to impress you.

7. You support Liverpool and you don’t want me teasing or making sarcastic jokes about that.
It’s obvious you are very bothered about the poor performance of your team. What if I inform you that I’m an Arsenal fan? Will that give you some comfort? At least till Arsene Wenger is fired.

8. You don’t want me to sleep with your sister until after our marriage
Well, I promise never to rape my sweetie. However, I will never deny her if she asks for sex. I’ll give it to her exactly the way she wants it anytime, anywhere and anyhow. I promise she’ll enjoy it. You’ll never know when we do it. Just assume I’m not sleeping with her. That will be better for all concerned, especially you.

9. PDP?
Our hate for that self-styled biggest political party in Africa is quite mutual. You may ask your friends who know me very well. Ask Zebbok, Ayourb and Omojuwa.

10. You don’t want me to date any other babe while I date your sister
It’s not my style to double-date. Last year I dated about 6 chics but I never went to the next babe without calling it off with the previous.
However, if I decide to date two or three girls at a time, neither you nor your sister will ever find out. What you don’t know won’t kill you.

11. You don’t want me to lie to you because you own my ass?
I won’t lie. If you ever find out I lied to you, I’ll donate my wig and gown to charity. Why am I a lawyer then? You can continue to own my ass as long as I continue to have your sister’s ass. And more…..

12. I ignored the threat at the beginning of your piece but you have to take it easy. No one threatens Sagay. No one!

13. Social media
I look forward to your friendship request on Facebook, I’ll gladly accept. I already follow you on twitter so it won’t be a bad idea if you follow back. It’s not easy having a celeb like you on someone’s TL you know. As for BBM, you may get my PIN from your sister. However, I have to warn you here, if you send a stupid broadcast message to me, I’ll delete your ass off my Blackberry Porsche (yes, that’s what I use). Don’t mind my language; I’m seriously working on it.
Using your sister’s picture as my DP shouldn’t be an issue. I’ll use yours too on your birthday or whenever you win any award on twitter. You mentioned something like “2go” – what the hell is that?
As for happiness, you can’t determine when I’ll be happy because you really can’t make me sad. However, I will do all within my powers to make sure my darling is happy 24/7.

14. You don’t want me to be with her where there are beds or sofas.
Dear future brother-in-law, please be rest assured that I have painstakingly studied the list of places where I shouldn’t be with your sister unless there are Pastors or elderly people around. I’m sure you don’t want us to be in places where we can be tempted.
Your sister and I actually enjoy doing it in the car.
As for places where there’s dancing or holding of hands, I met her at a club. She never told you?

15. You want me to be afraid. Very afraid
I come from a town of warriors, so I’m unable to be afraid let alone be very afraid. If you think I should be scared of you because of the boys you rolled with at LAUTECH, then you have to find out the heroic deeds that led to my rustication from Moshood Abiola Poly (Ojere). I remain a legend there. Do not be deceived by my records at Ife.

So, it’s in your own best interest to stop the threats.
I look forward to reading your document tagged “Now That You Have Married My Sister”.
P.S: Please warn my rivals, if you know any, to stay off.
I’m @SagaySagy on twitter. Please follow back bro.

 

Rules For Dating My Sister By Segun Dada

Posted by topeolowu on
you_can_date_my_sister____by_brendachic12-d3bz3dx (1)

Yeah yeah. I know after reading these rules, the question on the mind of all the perverted young men is, “do you keep all these rules when dating other people’s sisters?” The answer is no. Not my fault. Their indifferent brothers didn’t make any rules for me to follow. I make rules, if you won’t follow, just scram. There are so many ways to hurt you without actually hitting you myself. You don’t wanna confront me.

Let’s go straight to the rules. If you are offended by the first paragraph of this article, now is the time to stop reading. Nice not knowing you. By reading past this second paragraph, you actually have to follow these rules succinctly to letter if you want my blessing. Bear in mind my blessing is very important to your relationship (if it will ever happen) very very very important.
1. If and when you meet my sister, ask her to bring you to me straight up. You don’t want me catching you doing kurukere with her, if you are unfortunate and I do, may the good Lord help you situation.2. At our first meeting, you will be given a simple form to fill. Your name, your parents house address, Pastor/Imam’s phone number and the best time to meet with them to ascertain your behaviour.

3. You do not touch my sister in my presence. You may glance at her, so long as you do not ogle at anything below her neck (by the way, she has a nice neck). If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my sister’s body, I will remove them. If I can’t, I will get someone to.

4. Ex-convicts can’t date my sister. If you are one don’t bother showing up. If you dress like one (sagging you trousers ) you will be treated the same respect I accord ex-convicts. And I have none for them.

5. Please don’t be offended. If your hair-cut seems like that of the castrated slaves of the Alaafin of Oyo, don’t bother putting in effort. You will meet a stone wall.

6. Don’t bother trying to impress me. Don’t break your neck trying to be friends with me. I will never like you. Not even if your father is the Pope of the Catholic Church. Not even if you satisfy all my rules. If you try too hard to make me like you, that’s an offence. Sorry.

7. I support Liverpool F.C of England. My team isn’t doing well at the moment and I am very sure you support Chelsea, Arsenal or worse still Manchester United. Leave your jersey, sarcasm and your smart ass comments about the issues affecting my team at the gate of your house. I don’t like you. Don’t make me not like you more.

8. My sister won’t be sleeping with you during the course of your date. You are only permitted to sleep with her after you both get married. Don’t get any ideas in your head. If you make any attempt to get her to have sex with you, catching an STD or even AIDS will be the least of your problems (Interpret that how you will).

9. It is bad luck for your name to be good luck or anything that contains good or luck for that matter. If you or your parents have any ties with the PDP, kindly inform me on time. Thank you very much.

10. I have no doubt in my mind that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my sister. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my beautiful sister, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. (Yes this is a threat)

11. Do not lie to me. I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. I own your ass till my sister is finished with you. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a friends who know people who can beat the black off your face without me getting indicted.

12. There is a reason why it is a taboo for my friends date my sister. I can’t hurt my friends even if they end up hurting my sister. I wish I could say the same about you but well……….

13. You will accept my friend request on facebook. We will follow each other on twitter. You will be on my blackberry messenger list. There are only three pictures you can use as you display picture and avatar yours, my sisters and any of your other friends (male). Apologies to your other female friends on my behalf. If you have a ’2go’ account, delete it. We all know its the only “online brothel of life”. Till the time my sister finishes with you, I own your life. You don’t breath without my approval, you are not allowed to be happy except I think you should be. When my sister is happy, you will be. When she sad, you should be in tears.

14. Till the night of your wedding with my sister (if that ever happens) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my sister:

- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden chair.

- Places where there are no pastors, parents or old women within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the temperature is warm enough to influence my sister to wear shorts or tank tops.

15. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Be very very afraid.

There is tendency to have a problem with one or two of the rules outlined. No hard feelings. Just move on. Afterall,  there are many fishes in the river. So many indifferent elder brothers are abound this days. Goodluck in your search.

However, if you can fulfill all of the rules stated above, you can marry my sister. Then, you are qualified to read my document on “Now That You Have Married My Sister”. Have a nice day and God bless you.

Follow the Brother on twitter @Dolusegun

Far away lover

Posted by topeolowu on

Here am I gazing out the window
Tears streaming down my face
The rain dripping onto the roof
Far away in my thoughts
My far away lover in my thoughts
Thousand of miles between us

I wish for when the miles will no longer divide
I wish for when the tears will be for joy and ecstasy
I wish for when our songs will no longer be my companion
I wish for when my bed will no longer be too big
I wish for when I can nuzzle my head to your chest
I wish for when you, my far away lover will be in my embrace

Oh! My far away lover
I miss you terribly
Another day dragging on, yet another longing
Darlin I need you, I want you so much
This dream is getting real as the day goes by
My far away lover who lives in my dream
Oh! how I wish dreams can come true
My far away lover

Far away lover
Image courtesy: patientlover.tumblr.com

Friend Zones And Other Stories

Posted by topeolowu on

 

“Friend Zone” is as old as prostitution itself. It has been around for as long as anyone can remember and it is in many ways, a dream killer.

What’s a friendzone? It is that position you attain after you fail to impress a woman you’re attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, “You’re such a good friend”. Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another.

Being stuck in a friendship and wanting more can be a frustrating position. Sometimes this frustration is sexually-motivated, with one friend desiring a physical relationship with the other, in any case, wanting more than you are currently getting is a heart-wrenching situation. The “friend zone” is not an easy place to live!!

No matter how smart of a player the dude is, he has been through the “Friend Zone”. Studies have shown that only 30% of every 100 in a friend zone actually end up becoming the real thing. So it like a game of life. Try to impress too much and you become a “maga”, try to be stingy and you may never get there. It involves wits, guts and street instincts to maneuver this ladies who enjoy having the brothers see but don’t touch.

Below are the differentt levels of the “Friend Zone” and their characteristics in no particular order.

Zone: Buy me sharwama zone

Hope level: 25% (maga zone)

Name on Her Phonebook: Segun Shawarma

Place of Reward: Heaven is your home

Characteristics: A believer. Got money but little brain. Spender per excellence. A lady’s delight anyday

Zone: Unhook My Bra Zone

Hope level: Could be 0% or 99.9% depending on how street smart the brother is.

Name on Her Phonebook: Segun

Place of reward: On her bed doing the real thing or on your bed wanking to memories.

Characteristics: any dude at this stage is considered to be gay by a sister. Smart enough, he could change her mind by giving her some surprise action. Operative word being “smart” though.

Zone: Help me pick beans Zone

Hope Level: 0% ( never gonna happen)

Name On Her Phonebook: none. (you are an idiot and you don’t deserve a place in her life)

Place Of Reward: Fools paradise

Characteristics: a broke ass brother who hopes that by helping out with housework, he can land the sister. Except the lady is an OSU chic, he can never be successful.

Zone: Help me paint my fingers zone

Hope Level: none ( your are like your cousin in the help me pick beans zone)

Name on phonebook: Segun P&M (pedicure and manicure)

Place of Reward: fools paradise.

Characteristics: Dude with low self esteem. Lady sees it too and takes advantage of it.

Zone: Loose my haır zone

Hope Level: -5%

Name On Phonebook: Segun hairdresser

Place of Reward: Hell

Characteristics: has both characteristics of both the dude in the pick my beans zone and the ewedu zone.

Zone: Brother-in-christ zone

Hope Level: 1% when she’s young. 99% when she’s spent.

Name on Phonebook: Brother Segun

Reward: Heaven is your home bro

Characteristics: holy, long suffering and patient dude. His patience usually pays off…… When our lady is old, spent and almost the oldest spinster in her neighborhood.

Zone: Sign Attendance For Me Zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on phonebook: Segun Class.

Reward: Nowhere.

Characteristics: a dude who is the dictionary’s pictorial definition of being Used and dumped.

Zone: Comforter zone

Hope Level: 10% ( you get to hold her when her BF kicks her ass and she cries into you new shirt)

Name On Phonebook: Segun Best Friend

Place of Reward: Heaven or hospital bed (Jealous boyfriend could beat you ass to near-death)

Characteristics: Mr Nice man trying to impress. Will always be mr nice man

Zone: walk me home in d midnight zone!

Hope level: 1% to 99% depends if you are street smart.

Name on Phonebook: none (depends on how each midnight walk ends)

Place Of Reward: heaven, kidnappers den, jail (for wandering) hospital (hit and run things)

Characteristics: Long suffering individual. Prepared to risk his life to show her love. He will get his heart desire or die trying.

Zone: Make her laugh zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on Phonebook: Idiot (if she has more dan one person in this zone then you have to pick a number depending on how hard she laughs when u display your stupidity)

Reward: Hell

Characteristics: a struggling upcoming comedian. Dude is only remembered when the lady’s mood is down. He is forgotten when he has served his purpose.

Zone: Best cook in the world zone

Hope level: 50% (depending on how big of a glutton she is)

Name on Phonebook: Segun “Fried rice” (depending on the name of the delicacy that had her hooked to you in the first place)

Place of Reward: heaven or on her bed.

Characteristics: he is a very good cook. If he is smart enough, his dishes will get him his lady. He must also be prepared to do the cooking for as long as possible too else……….

Zone: My Bis will soon expire” Zone”

Hope Level: 1%

Name on phonebook: Segun BIS

Place of Reward: hell

Characteristics: dude is a believer. He believes as long as he keeps renewing her Bis, she will one day be his. When her BIS is almost expired, she uses his picture as DP and send virtual kisses and all. As soon as BIS is renewed, DP is removed till the end of next month.

Zone: Make my boyfriend jealous zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on phonebook: Segun Assistant

Reward: Heaven

Characteristics: un-sharp dude. When the lady’s boyfriend is acting up and he needs to be put in place, this dude comes into use. As soon as the boyfriend comes begging, he is hung to dry.

Zone: Drivers zone

Hope Level: 30%

Name on Phonebook: Segun Car (wey her papa no buy)

Place of reward: heaven

Characteristics: Dude believes in his mind that he is the boyfriend. But seriously he isn’t. Lady needs to be mobile and bike accidents isn’t good for our fine sister’s skin so there comes his usefulness.

Zone: Relationship expert zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on phonebook: my friend

Place of reward: heaven

Characteristics: has read a lot of relationship books and know all of Oprah winfrey quotes. Most of his advice to the lady works for a relationship and he is alone forever and ever.

Zone: Friends with benefits zone

Hope Level: 100% (BOSS)

Name on phonebook: Oluwasegunfunmi

Place of Reward: Heaven!!!

Characteristics: Boss of the friend zone. Dude with 100% street smartness. Able to harness the potentials of the friendzone to his advantage and has sex with the lady under the disguise of “being friends”

Zone: Fashion Buddy (Aka Gay Zone)

Hope Level: 0%

Name on Phonebook: Segun BFF

Place of Reward: Hell

Characteristics: has a great fashion sense and hopes to use this to his advantage. Fails because lady wants someone with a good eye on fashion as a buddy instead. He can see but can’t touch

Zone: Help me do the Ewedu zone

Hope Level: -10%

Name on Phonebook: none

Place of Reward: in her kitchen, with one plate of amala and ewedu soup with or without meat.

Characteristics: Hungry dude with a lot of free time on his hands. Hopes he can help the lady with ewedu to get closer. Fails everytime and even owes hope some marks.

Zone: Uncle zone

Hope level: 25%

Name on phonebook: Uncle Segun

Place of reward: heaven

Characteristics: believer. Hopes he can one day turn the respect the lady has for him into something more progressive. Fails more than half the time..

Zone: Send me call credit zone

Hope level: 1%

Name on phonebook: Maga 11

Place of Reward: heaven.

Charateristics: Believer. Dude believes the more credit he sends, the better his chances of getting the real thing. Lady knows this too so she skim everything she can off him

Zone: Silverbird/Oniru/Elegushi Zone

Hope Level: 70% (if you are street smart)

Name on Phonebook: My Boo

Place of reward: Anywhere.

Characteristics: Hustler with hope. Got swags but no brain and most often, they are mostly comfortable with this zone.

Yeah…. A lot of guys reading this may have found themselves in more than one of this zones. Some are seriously in denial but to them that will admit, don’t worry, be happy. Even PDP zoned us too

Special Shout Out to the ladies who have at least one guy in every of the zones stated above. Ye are the true daughters of Eve.

Special Shout Out to the brothers still trapped in the Friends Zone. I feel your pain brothers.

Follow the writer on twitter @Dolusegun

 

 

Deafening Silence

Posted by topeolowu on

So I sat down to think
To think of all I said
All I could take back
All I wish I never said
And all I can hear is
Deafening silence

Sometimes in life
Some words are better unspoken
A bridled tongue the bible calls it
But we itch to say these words
Because not saying them will haunt
If only we can just kill the itch
But it’s too late now
Because all I can hear is
Deafening silence

I hear you even with the noise
I see you even in the dark
I feel you even though you are far away
I touch your hurt
And I want to take back the pain
But all I can hear is
Deafening silence