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Women’s Aid defined domestic violence as ‘a physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour’. This can include forced marriage and so-called ‘honour crimes’. Domestic violence may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently ‘violent’. I’ve decided to start off with a definition of domestic violence for a clearer perspective of how I want to approach the issue. I am very conversant with domestic violence. I’ve read about it, been on different trainings about it and I’ve seen one of my closest friend go through it.
However, I pondered on this question; What if domestic violence happens to me as Tope? What if Tunde turns into a monster and decides he wants to use me as a punching bag to build up his biceps? What if my marriage is a prison with 52 inch television? Would I pretend it’s not happening and recoil into my shell? That would tell the world all is not well because I don’t do shells. I announce my arrival!!!! Would I pack my bags and run for dear life? Would I just pray all will be well because the world, well my part of the world frowns on divorce cum separation? Talking about praying, would I just pray for divine intervention as a Christian? Or would I use my initiative and flee all appearances of evil as the Bible admonishes?
These are the questions that I’ve had to subject myself to. This is because when I read the story of the unloved girl written from the grave, my first thought was foolish girl, I bet he will remarry while you are still warm in the grave. However, I’ve come to realise that it is easy to make assumptions. Yeah, I know it is the least level of knowledge… Please raise your hands up if you have never assumed. Sorry to digress, I’ve known my husband for 12 years and it will be hard to leave him; yes even if he beats me. There is something about change that rocks our being. Whether it is a change for good or bad; human nature revolts against it. When my friend suffered domestic violence, my voice was the loudest asking her to leave before he kills her. She was 33 years when she finally got married. They had the one child and the marriage was less than a year old. How could she just up sticks and leave? She must have been thinking. However, I was thinking this animal will kill you. I saw domestic violence, she saw a divorcee. I saw life beyond marriage; she saw a married life against all odds. I saw a monster and a bully, she saw a lover, her husband who gets angry easily. I saw a new beginning, she saw her vows before God and man.
Back to my musing, so I thought long and hard about my life now and if domestic violence were part of it. My girls’ lives would be rocked, I would be back in the dating market ( that doesn’t sound bad). I would be a divorcee and would be regarded as a failure. I kid myself not; a divorcee is labelled as a failure in our part of the world. Gosh! I would have to mind my spending and cut down on the Kurt Geiger shoes….hmmmmmm!!!!! Ok, Tunde please don’t raise your hands against me, let’s resolve our issues amicably and civilly. It is highly possible social implications/ pressure would keep a victim of domestic violence quiet. This would stop her from telling anyone about the ordeal.
My two pence on this is women have a million and one reasons why they stay in that violent marriage. None of those reasons justify a life, I know. However, take a walk in her shoes before you go off ranting about how you would never condone what she’s putting up with. A listening ear, a sympathetic hug, a shoulder to cry on, a text or a phone call might just convince her to leave him. Women, please leave that brute before he sends you on a trip of no return. My friend left him and remarried; yes with her son in tow, she still found a good man. So all hope is not lost for you…….there’s a better man out there for you and he is not named ANIMAL.
Great to see this topic written about. Many find it hard once they are in such relationships. Thanks Tope for this nice article.
Thank you for sharing this vitally important message. It’s so easy to say what you would do if you were in another person’s shoes.
It’s also easy to get stuck in these kinds of relationships because the change is so subtle that you hardly even notice how damaging it is becoming.
Here are some additional thoughts that might encourage others: It’s Not Always About You http://wp.me/p1pA4k-1g
women chose to stay in abusive relationships for so many reasons, as reasonable as some of them may sound they can never be worth losing a life for. having good support from loved ones can certainly make it easier for abused women to leave.
Its a lot more complicated dear, not that the man in my life is violent, thank God far from it. Still, I am not without the knowledge…culture, religion and several other factors come to play. Your friend got lucky….if that is the word for it. It is still complex.
Bunmi, you are right it is more complicated than this. However, dynamics of relationships are not basic or simple. All I’m saying is rather than go gun blazing imploring victims to leave the perpertrators, we should be more understanding and be supportive. Yes my friend might be lucky but there is life beyond marriage. If I were in a violent relationship, it won’t be easy for me to leave him. Thank you for reading.
‘Complex’ is the word really because we daily see folks who get battered, hoping and dreaming, dreaming and believing, that things will get better. Like you rightly suggested, the best to do in such situation is to lend a shoulder to lean on and/or other ways to support the victims to see that life is not lost. Well written sis. Bless you
Very interesting read. As a gay man, the reality of domestic violence had gone beyond gender and sexual orientation. I hear on daily basis violence in same sex relationship something many of us would never have thought of. I look more into reading and writing about this.
It amaze me that some men still don’t know there are other things more painful and effective than battering. In my own opinion any man that beat his wife a product of child abuse.
Lovely article! and you’re right about the need for women to exit an abusive situation before it claims their lives. Wisdom is profitable to direct. Well done dear.
Nice one. I need to share with you my best friends story. Can you believe that he was turned into a monster because the wife enjoys being beaten? Its sounds funny and ridiculous Shey? Its an afrodisiac for her, turns her on, makes her enjoy the settlement sex after the beating. She will do everything possible to be beaten, break the TV, do so many crazy things. My friend eventually ran away from the union to get his senses back. I don’t subscribe to domestic violence. Never. Women should try not to make a monster out of their men. Some women are so good at doing this.
The interesting thing about the article is the balance. You had everything balanced.
God help us all and keep our marriage!
Nice article.
iRecommend.
Nice piece here. I simply believe that when the loops get undissolvable, divorce might be the way forward. Yeah, God hates divorce but He could permit it if that’s the trottling factor. Nice one here, Tope.
Another perspective we should look at is the effect on the kids- I love the picture you used, it so clearly depicts there is another very important view one has to take into consideration.
You are right on the leaving part. I’d like to think I’d be able to leave but I know that in itself would be wrecking. It’s best to leave early on when the signs start appearing in a relationship but then that’s the time when ladies think “he’ll change”.
Our culture of seeing women as powerless also relieves some ladies of accepting responsibilities for themselves.
I don’t pray I ever find myself in such situations but individual upbringing and mindsets do play significant roles. Like, I can’t picture this ever ever happening to me and I say that with all humility. Ladies should know they have the responsibility of choosing to accept or not accept such.
Nice one Tope!
Hmmmmmmm……………I have to read ur article for 3 times before I finally made up my mind t0 comment,firstly Tope kudos for a mind blowing piece,
My views : the major problem we have as human is we always believe it couldn’t be me. Your friend in this story was so lucky,I have a friend who got married at 31 to a man who is ten years older than her and they were married for 8 years and used to be a good role models τo people around before things went bad,the man lost his job,he has 3 kids who he promised God to dedicate all his best to,after he lost his job few months later he lost his house in an inferno,due to frustration he stopped going to church and the forces around pulled him down till he turns a monster in the house,the wife is now 39 with 3 kids,will taking an exit door be the best option? She’s today a testimony whom God used to turn around the situation,it lasted for 3years but her closeness to God and sensitivity to what always cause trouble in the house won the heart of the man and today he’s a big fish farmer and he’s regained all his lost in folds,do u know if Fola had left him during his psychological trauma he might have died by now making her life worse than her imagination? All the woman needs in her marriage is God and wisdom,if u leave a marriage when Ʊ’re the disaster,u will still end up a disaster elsewhere,thank u.
One size do not fit all when it comes to relationships. I agree God and wisdom is key but not every one know God. Which is where the victim’s support network comes into play with understanding. At the end of the day, it is a choice just like our salvation; it is up to the individual to choose life that ‘yet may live’. Thanks for reading.
My advise to victims of domestic violence( Male or female) is to get away from the abuser first and then decide on the way forward. In as much as i empathize with victims of domestic violence, it is still a choice ; should i stay or should i go?
I left my boyfriend of 4years the day he raised his hands on me. Despite pleas from him,friends & family,I didn’t change my mind. I’m 28 now and still single. Do I regret my actions?not at all! Sometimes the signs are there before marriage,and most domestic violence could be avoided if the abused one just had the strength to walk away. To those experiencing violence in marriage,please flee while you can,you are better alive with your kids than dead cos you want to preserve a marriage.
Talking of domestic violence takes a bold step and a wisdom by the victim. Its a two way thing: Either to leave or endure with faith that things will change. Anyways, God’s guidance is solely needed to decide and carry on .
A luvly piece darling, God Bless ya!
Lovely writeup, Mor
Great piece dear. It’s not easy to find oneself in such a “drama”. Abusive relationships are a nightmare!! Most times during courtship the signs are obvious but ignored or completely hidden until triggered…..
God bless you….
This is a subject I find very difficult to keep quiet on. And, physical abuse get under my skin more than the other types of abuse. This could be because the only abuse I feel I can be subject to, at this stage of my life, is physical abuse. If I were a black belt pro maybe this wouldn’t be the case… lol. I know that I am what the yorubas (a nigerian tribe) call ‘alapa ike’ – literally meaning feeble handed.
I am well ‘mouthed’; I have a strong ‘self-sense’, so it will be VERY difficult for anyone to talk down on me. And, financial abuse? God forbid a backward slide!!! But, a slap or 2… ? I’m sure that I’ll just die!!!
I am not married, so I can only imagine or hypothesise what married people go through. But, seriously, why would a woman want to stay with a man abusing her? I have thought about it, and the only reason that readily come to my mind is INSECURITY.
Some of the reasons I hear:
1. I cannot leave my children: will the kids go to paradise or hell with you when the man eventually beat you to death? Won’t some other woman come into the house and assume your position after you are dead? Wouldn’t you have left your kids when you’ve gone to the ‘great beyond’?
Wouldn’t your children’s condition be worse off with another woman taking charge of them? Wouldn’t it be better you are alive so that you can care for your children even if it is from afar?
2. How will I take care of the bills: who says that you cannot make your own money instead of making a profession out of spending someone’s else’?
Yemisi, let me get off before my comment gets longer than the blog, that is if it already isn’t… lol
Thank God for your ‘big mouth’ and assertiveness but there are women that are not as assertive. I tell you women stay in abusive relationships beyond what you’ve listed. Insecurity is primary as you have rightly said, what about love? It is a complex topic and I pray every victim can be bold enough to say enough. I’m glad you checked yourself with your epistle. This is Tope Olowu’s blog pls don’t usurp me.
Hmmm this is a very sensitive issue but either we like it or not so many women have bn sent to their early craves because of domestic violence truth is it’s easier to make judgments or talk when you’re not in those kind of situation yourself but common i’ll still say no woman should live with a beast. You’re better off without a man than a beast in human form. I always say a man that’ll beat you would have shown the signs you were probably to blinded by lurv to see it they all have an issue with anger management no matter how little. Enough said but b4 l leave i’ll like to drop this link and ask this question does it have to come to this b4 you leave that man? http://www.vanguardngr.com/2012/04/w-i-c-k-e-d-see-what-man-did-to-his-wife/ May God bless Tope for writting on this issue.
Nice Article. Its a complicated issue. The prayer is to nevr find urself in such a situation and if unfortunately u do..let Gods wisdom direct u in taking d right decision.
Yemisi, I feel a lot of education and enlightenment shoud be carried out most especially for Africans to have a Paradigm shift, if a guy beats you to stupor during courtship and you still went ahead to marry such a guy, what do you think will happen in your marital life, this is an experience. but by and large violence in whatever form in a relationship should be discouraged and people must be made to understand that no matter the war war, jaw jaw will still end it all.
Hmmmn! What can we say to this complicated issue? To woman A, it is because of her children, to woman B, but I still love him and to woman C, what will people say? Well to Woman A, your children might become motherless one day and like my dear Mum usually says’No one will take care of your kids like you’ so think of that fact that your children will become second class citizens in another woman’s world, to Woman B our emotions are subject to us meaning you are in charge of how you feel. If you truly love him, does he love you in return? Do you even matter in his world? I don’t think so? To woman C, its high time we stop living because of people’s opinion. Who are even the ‘people’? Every person has their own challenges so your life matters a lot than people’s opinion. Every woman should sit down and think deep and know that a life full of peace and joy is the best even when this means living without a man!
I condemn domestic violence in all its ramifications. It’s important that it remains a topical issue in our society so that awareness about its disastrous consequences will continue to spread and many, especially women, will not fall prey to it. I vouch for more discernment by women when deciding who to marry. It’s also important that proactive measures are entertained by spouses when the early signs of domestic violence set in.
I can’t conclude without expressing sympathy at the many women out there who have found themselves in the hands of men who’ll rather beat, than lovingly care for them.
Thanks for this piece, Tope. Keep up the good work! GOD bless you.
Tope, I have a great problem with violence because my mother was a lawyer to several women who were battered when I was growing up. They turned up every hour of the day or night at her chambers or at or home. With a group of her friends, they provided shelter, but I never got over the images of those abuses and in a few instances, the abuse eventually led to death of the women. I see too many who want to ‘roughen’ the marriage out, but an abusive man is like a bully, he derives power from having the upper hand. May be the message needs to go to both parties. The men need to know the consequences of raising their hands against a loved one.
Knowing myself and how difficult it is for me to let go, I imagined myself in such a situation. Its really not that easy but then we’re talking about life. I’d choose to live as should everyone else.
I absolutely enjoy your articles, Tope. Keep up the good work. God bless you.
Very nice analysis Tope, as you are aware I went throught this kind of abuse and eventually left after 7years.The last straw was when he hit me and I limped for 5wks and couldn’t wear proper shoes cos of the pain and develope High blood pressure.Then I knew death was staring me in the face!
Truth be told it hasn’t been easy being on my own with 2 wonderful children and the stigma of being seen as a ‘failure ‘cos I left my marriage BUT I have since come to realise that BEING ALIVE and HOPEFUL beats BEING DEAD and GONE!
It’s easy to tell victims of domestic violence to leave….MTN has been ‘abusing’ some of us for like ten years now and we are yet to gather the ‘liver’ to switch to another network for reasons ranging from pathetic to outright absurd. I’ve been married for 11yrs, I’ve suffered psychological abuse at some point in the marriage. I stayed and now it is over. My main reason for staying? I couldn’t imagine my children drawing a roster for seeing daddy and mummy.