Last Friday I lost my oyster card!!!! This is simple and I will make it clear. Living in London means public transport is king. Driving makes no sense because public transport is relatively faster and more economical. Without your oyster card, commuting in London is virtually impossible. My monthly oyster card zone 2-3 cost me £85 and I lost it!!!!! Imagine losing your car keys; that is exactly what happened to me. I had dropped the kids off at school but was not yet at work. I was right in the middle of nowhere. I still had 2 weeks left on it. I decided to call my husband for some sympathy.
“Me: Hello Tunde”.
“Tunde: ooh! Tope, I’m sleeping; you know I don’t sleep well at night”.
“Me: How could you say that? You don’t even know why I called you. I’ve just lost my oyster card”.
At this point, I cut him off; I felt so alone. I’ve been married for over nine years, with two adorable daughters and a sometimes good husband. Scratch that, my husband is good but very human. I have wonderful friends and family that I’m extremely close to. I.AM.NOT.AN.INTROVERT but I felt so alone after that conversation with my husband. Please do not imagine a forlorn looking picture of me; all dejected and defeated. Nah!!! It is all in the mind. Aloneness doesn’t necessarily mean those who are seen sitting alone, all by themselves. That could sometimes be a sign of loneliness but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes we are surrounded by masses of people, yet we feel alone. Loneliness is a perceived feeling that we are alone to carry our burdens, we have no one to enjoy life with. In dictionaries, loneliness and aloneness are synonymous. However, some schools of thought argue that loneliness isn’t the same as aloneness. They claim loneliness is a state of mind when you are constantly missing a loved one. To them, it is a negative state of mind. Aloneness on the other hand is positive; it is sheer independence. I disagree, in the context of this blog; I intend to use them as synonyms.
Aloneness or loneliness is often said to be human issues, and this could be said to stem from our “being a social animal”. God created wo (man) as a social being, to derive joy from the company of others. Now, you can tell me you are an introvert and I perfectly understand that not everyone is a chatterbox like me. However, introverts/ loners do want to be with and amongst people who love and accept them. Aloneness could be seen as dependence on other people to help maintain your self-esteem. Dependence is not necessarily unhealthy, and if most people who know you deliberately leave you out of their company, it is quite likely that there is some problem, either in them or in you (or, most likely in both). I am not talking about my Toni’s mantra; “Daisy and Tiana didn’t want to play with me”.
However, in a bid to conquer loneliness a lot of single people go into relationships that do not edify them. Some married people stay in abusive and/ or loveless relationships just because they cannot bear to be alone. They are scared to rock the boat. Loneliness is a universal human emotion that is both complex and unique to each person. It is a state of solitude; a state of aloneness, a state of mind. In the above conversation between Tunde and me, I want to believe it was normal for me to feel alone at that point. My husband is supposed to sympathise with me ke!!!!! A whole £85 lost; that isn’t beans!!!!
To that person who panics when left alone, and constantly seeks new relationships to fill that void of inner loneliness. I say learn to love yourself; enjoy your own company. Trust me, ghosts won’t come out of the woodwork * whispering, there’s no such thing as ghosts*. Learning to be alone can be educative; it could help you focus on who you really are. God encourages positive aloneness; Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God”. People say if you are lonely as a single person; you are likely to be lonely in marriage. Well, I can’t remember being lonely as a single person but there are times I’ve felt lonely in my marriage. Tunde doesn’t get me at times. Well, I don’t understand me sometimes so I blame him not. However, I’ve learnt to enjoy my company. I will sometimes ask him to take the girls out so I can savour my own company. More often than not, I end up cleaning or on twitter but my company does not scare me. I understand that the physical or emotional absence of a loved one could make loneliness creep in. Read my lips; God created us to have dominion over all the earth, this includes our mind. It should not rule us.
So what did I do after the phone call? I called my sister, my cousin and my friend to solicit sympathy on my lost oyster card. Yes, and I tweeted about it too……what aloneness?
Oh Tope. You are right but I’m still laughing. ‘what aloneness’ indeed!LOL
The concept of aloneness can be likened to being in a river and dying of thirst – how else can one explain living in a world where there are billions of people and not finding a suitable life partner or someone who can understand what one is going through.
I do appreciate being alone sometimes cos it helps me in my thinking.I enjoy “my me time” from time to time,which in my own opinion do strengthen my marriage.Good write-up Tope.
Tope!!! You are super waooow.. Believe it or not your blog is inspiring…
But must someone sympathize with u all the time? U came to the world alone,nobody will stay with u forever not Tunde cos he won’t leave forever, learn to deal with system and stop being phlegmatic
His job specification includes sympathising with me….he signed that contract when he married me, thanks for reading.
Nice. The article is rich. Very!
Most times we feel alone, and i sometimes feel as tho the trumpet has actually sounded.
But yea, I have learnt to enjoy my own company as u advised and a wiki article actually encourages meditation and telling oneself stories are plausible ways of enriching one’s mind and enlarging and exercising the intellect.
Thanks for writing and sharing.
We talked about Depression the other time, and now its about Aloneness/Loneliness, I think I like this blog (when its not about shopping)
What more can I possibly add to all that has been said here? LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF!!! That there is the key to happy living. I have learned how to be alone, and how to enjoy other people’s company, there is a time for everything under the sun.
‘To ba ko’waju si o, ko ta; to ba k’eyin si o, ko janlofa; to ba ku’wonikan, ko te’ro ara re pa’ meaning: think about it once, think about it twice, in the quietness of your solitude, make critical decisions about your life.
I LOVE WHAT YOU ARE DOING ON THIS BLOG!!!
P.S is Uncle Tunde still the Editor-in-Chief of topeolowu.com?
So true… I think we must all be able to battle that stage of our lives… So whether single or married, we learn to thoroughly have fun with ourselves.
So true, life is what u make of it. Equip yourself, your mind. Don’t wait 4 other because they may let u down. My motto.
Lol Tope, this article made me smile on my very early commute on the train. I agree with you, we all as individual have to first love our company, yes when we have people around us, great! But when they are not there, we still carry on and not feel all alone. It strengthens us when we can cope all on our own as when those ‘alone’ days surfaces we can find the energy to keep on.
I sum this up as being able to love yourself first to be able to enjoy the love from others or give it yourself. Another inspiring and eye opening article. Thank you.
Many of the comments (and you too) have sort of said it all-LOVE YOURSELF. I’ve experienced a bit of both ‘aloneness’ and ‘loneliness’ and I have been able to find the balance. Loneliness is thrust on you, you cannot just help it. A perfect example of loneliness is my NYSC days in the sleepy village of Kwambai (via Takum), Taraba state. I have this feeling of wanting to be alone but loneliness is just shattering. Good work again sis.
Depression to loneliness. Although this story is all about you, i like the way it weaves around general lives of people. I would not blame your husband, truth is at that point in time he needed his sleep. Which is why we should enjoy our own company and also forge relationships(meaningful) which cuts across a wide variety of people just like you did and spoke with your sister & friends. If you had tried talking to tunde much later on, i bet he would have reacted differently. Nevertheless, nice piece!
I do enjoy your write-ups. I always L♥√ع been alone. I appreciate ♍Ɣ “♍ε̲̣̣̣̥ time” alot
Hahahaha!!!! Bravo!!! I will give you my view later. But you tope, you are great.
pele dear…somtime we just need someone to remind us that we are very much loved..good work
#gbammest….you nailed it. Thank you.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say it’s really a state of the mind. That’s not to belittle people’s legitimate (sometimes) feeling of aloneness and for some it is a real struggle. You can definitely feel lonely in the midst of a crowd but if you take a second look we really are not alone…. Or are we?
Thanks for sharing
I drop’t a comment but can’t find it.
A piece well written…something scares me,though.I feel a lot lonely as a single hustling man and I thought I was going to escape being lonely as a married man only for me to hear you say loneliness hides in the pockets of the wedding suit too!
Every being on the universe and beyond has had a tale or two to share about ‘being alone and being lonely.’ God created man for companionship and even the devil doesn’t want to spend eternity in hell……alone!!
However, what truly matters most, is dealing with it. Love and companionship from others is earned, not derived by manipulations. I liked the fact that you didn’t give up the search until you found what your heart truly desired at THAT MOMENT and of course, with the right people (as far as marriage is concerned).
You’re my hero TEE. Thumbs up!!
I have experienced both and I am saying aloneness is the preferred place.You discover yourself the more and depend more on my Jesus whose Company I cherish whilst alone.
Great piece! I can totally relate to this because as a writer and a person I actively seek ‘aloneness’ and savour it when I achieve it.
I use these moments to navigate my mind (it can be a maze sometimes), appreciate myself and welcome the future.
Thanks for painting the independent beauty of ‘aloneness’