On a fateful Friday evening in Nov. 2011, I received a call that sent shivers down my spine. It was from my girls’ school. It was from Children Social Services!!!!! I work with children and families and I have made this type of call a lot of times. I know the score; I know the drill. However, now the table is turned towards me. No doctor ever prays to be a patient in the emergency room (ER). On the morning of this fateful day, Tito my elder daughter was up to her antics yet again. She was arguing and bickering with her sister. We were nearly running late. I was frantic with worry. I was shouting orders to them to get it together. She was crying over something I didn’t quite understand. She screamed at me, “Mum, you have ears, what are they made for?” Now, insane brought up in a country with a culture and tradition that respects elders. I would never say that to my elder sister who is just a few years older than me how much more my mother!!!! I pride myself on how well I try to bring my children up. I lost my cool; I spanked her whilst explaining the reason as well.
Now, I facilitate parenting programmes and beating is NEVER an option. However, on that day all methods of managing misbehaviour flew out of the window. I knew about setting clear ground rules; using directed discussion for rule breaking; using quiet time and time out. On that day, her cup runneth over. I was at my tether’s end. I spanked her because I was mad at her choice of words. I spanked her because I felt she had not lived up to all I taught her. However, I didn’t do it within the dictates of the law. I used an implement; “omorogun” is what Yorubas call it; I think spatula is the English word. The UK law states that you can smack a child but not with an implement and no mark must be left on the child. So I got that dreaded call to come right away. I was so petrified and apprehensive with several thoughts going through my head and mind. Prior to that, Tito had been having a phase of constantly getting in trouble in school. She was allegedly accused of cutting a child’s hair in school. It could not be proved because there were no witnesses. She had also been rude to her teacher; all in the same week. So you can imagine my struggles.
So, I got to the school and there was a Social Worker and a Police officer. They started by telling me there was an allegation against me by my daughter. She had gotten in trouble that day again and was told to write a reflective report of what she did wrong. Innocently, she wrote everything and stated, “Please don’t tell my mum because she will beat me”. The head teacher read it and because these are safeguarding concerns, she promptly made a referral to Children Social Care. They provide services that promote, safeguard and improve the well-being of all children in the UK. If Children Social Care feels a child is suffering any form of abuse, they step in and it is a long journey with the main focus on the well-being of the child. The positive thing is when Tito was asked if she was scared of going home she said no because her granddad would be coming that weekend and she loves her family. Otherwise, she might have been taken from our care that weekend and put on a child protection register pending when an arrangement is made.
I am sharing this to demonstrate how challenging it is to raise a child in a country where electricity or food is not an issue. We have now been brought to the notice of Children’s Social Care. However, we have only had a visit in January which shows they do not think she is being abused. However, I have had my baptismal of fire. I’ve learnt to control myself when my girls push my buttons. I have devised a better method of reinforcing instructions by being calm and staying in control. This way I do not fall into the escalation trap where issues are escalated and it turns into a shouting match. Also, to manage misbehaviour I withdraw privileges; she loves to play on the computer. So when she is naughty I take away the luxury of playing on the computer for a stipulated time and I stick to it for consistency sake.
The road is long but it starts with a step and we have taken that step. Did I mention that I go on my knees?
“Did I mention that I go on my knees?”
You killed it with that line! Lolol…I often watch parents & I feel their pain, I hate physical discipline too but I know it’ll take extra strength to not go that way..hope I’ll be able to control myself too when it’s my turn…true reality of England..
I have devised a better method of reinforcing instructions by being calm and staying in control…….. The big lesson learnt
Anyway, for us that are still in Nigeria there’s no Child Care Service abi wetin you call am, my nephew knows whatsup when he drives me to the edge, pankere dey for corner. Aya omode ni were di si, egba la o fi tu!
Sis, gr8 piece. As someone who has worked with children, I know they can be outright provoking atimes but after all’s been said and done I LOVE good Mr. Do Good aka the cane. Na wetin Bible talk oh. SPARE d rod, SPOIL d child. May God help all parents
I agree with pemi, “. . . I go on my knees” certainly killed it. The distance between one’s knees and the ground is the fastest way to solving a problem. Thanks for sharing, preparing us for parenthood.
Ha Gbenga do you know she wrote down Mr Do good and explained exactly it was so they could understand what she was talking about? Thanks dear
wow!
This is too real to be true…
Hmm…The Lord is your strength in this matter of training them in the way they should go.
again, The Lord is your strength!
Wow, the continuous struggle of parents.This is a great one.I’m not a parent yet, but I’m learning.
Yet to have my own kids though….. great piece!
Am not yet a parent but tope has taught me a valuable lesson. Tope thanks, i know i can always count on you for timely piece like this.
Always touching with your words, it is full of energy and emotion. May God strengthen you the more.
Ha! Major challenge for me oo.. I will keep getting on my knees to put my anger in place cos my girl can be frustrating.
I daily see what my little second cousins do and I know how much effort goes into parenthood. The line that has caught quite some attentions has won me over to-”…Did I mention that I go on my knees?”. That’s where it all ends. Without God’s intervention, parenthood can be an effort in futility. Typical of your spell-binding writings sis. May the girls gracefully age and make you proud
Only a mother knows how to be a mother, no law, however well intended can do this. I am grateful for all the spanks my mother gave me; today, she is my best friend and I shudder to think where I would be now without those spanks that kept me on the straight and narrow.
Children can be very defiant atimes and i respect parents that bring children up in UK cos its isn’t easy unlike Naija where you can do and undo and even overstep yourr boundaries atimes. The lord is your strength and will continually be . Amen.
It really is a challenge raising children especially abroad. God will continue to give us the wisdom we need in bringing them up. Great piece.
Great piece, you’ve thot ♍ε̲̣̣̣̥ a very good lesson, although I’m a parent buh ♍Ɣ son is still very young. Thank you
I have seen first hand what my little second cousins daily do to their mother and i know that parenthood is one hell of an experience that requires both care, caution and firmness for it is the foundation on which personalities are built. The last line says it all “…Did I mention that I go on my knees?”. God’s grace is sufficient in training our children. May they age gracefully and make you proud in your time.
Nice piece there sis.
Thougth triggering!
I love the reality of this article, easy to identify with, well done.
I was never spanked as a child and to this day, I still wonder how my mother did it. Kids can drive you to the edge. They attempt to do that to me everyday. Sometimes they succeed and because I really can’t spank them, I literally feel smoke coming out of my head. My kids will be spanked! I made that decision a long time ago. I swear, a long cane works wonders!
My darling Tope, I so feel you! Oya, take this hug first {huggssssssss}.
It can be so tough raising kids anywhere and sometimes, it doesn’t get tougher than good ol’ England where life can seem be a bit like living in a fish-bowl. The system is relentless in getting it right, not leaving any child behind. Yet, the kids (bless their cotton socks) are also relentless in finding that button and pressing it infinitely. *Sigh* We will get there…
Beautiful expressive write-up. Many many thanks for sharing…xx
As a christian,the bible is our manual,it is written that if we spare the rod we spoil the child. God shall not let Pankere depart from my home,for use on children&grandchildren in future. Pankere was used on my mum,she turned out well,Pankere was used on me i turn out well, i used it on my children&they turned out well so i can not see any evil in caning.
Spare the rod and kill the child, that will forever be my motto in raising my kids.
Thanks for that great line, I’ll never forget to go on my knees.
Hey Tope, nice piece….i enjoy nothing more than being with my kids, but they sometimes can drive you crazy. I once told Khalid to do something for me, he rolled on the ground pretending to have a stomach ache…I was about to unleash the omorogun when i saw myself at exactly his age, I just walked away. I have told myself that the next time he pulls that stunt i will unleash the omorogun…. me or no me.