Yeah yeah. I know you don’t expect anyone to believe you would adhere to your rules if dating another brother’s sister. I feel the same way too, I wouldn’t want any man to mess with my sister.
I’m here because I’m ready to follow your rules. Not that I’m so naive, but because I love your sister and I would do almost anything to have her. I‘ll respond to your rules seriatim.
1. You want me to make my sweetheart bring me to you as soon as I meet her.
This first rule might have been overtaken by event. In law, we say the law doesn’t compel the impossible. I’ll definitely not lose your sister because of this. I already met her before you wrote this, and I met her well; very well. I almost didn’t believe that guys still meet girls well these days.
2. At my first meeting with you, you want me to fill a simple form stating the details of my parents, Pastor/Imam’s phone numbers and the best time to meet with them.
I suspect you intend to contact or meet with these people to get information about my character and marriagability. I might as well tell you what you’ll get from them. Wasting your call units may not be such a cool idea. As for my Pastor, I was the secretary of the committee that organized his new private jet. I’m also a coordinator of the church’s youth wing. At the mention of Sagay, my Pastor must give his endorsement.
As for my mom – I have a strong feeling you may want to contact her, and not my dad – if you ever make the mistake of hinting to her that your inquiries have to do with a babe, dating or marriage, I know what she’ll say. She’s been on my neck to introduce my fiancee to her, a step which I’m yet to take. Let me warn you of the consequence – She’ll know your parents and your grand-parents within a week and she’ll get in touch with them. She’ll take things out of our hands. You will eventually lose the influence you think you have.
So, who are you calling first? My mom or my Pastor?
3. You don’t want me to touch your sister in your presence.
I’m also forbidden to look at her below the neck. Brother, I’m an actor. If I didn’t get a law degree, I would have played several roles in Nollywood and I would have kissed Genevieve, smooched Funke Akindele and slapped Tonto Dike in different movies. This suggests I can act out anything you want since I am assuming you are the director, producer and marketer here. I hereby affirm and promise that I will never touch your sister in your presence. Why on earth should I even do that? It’s been 30 minutes since I finished reading your rules on Tope Olowu’s blog and I’ve touched everything on her. EVERYTHING as in E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I couldn’t touch her heart but I touched the mound of flesh atop it.
As for looking at her below the neck, that won’t be difficult because you will never catch me. I’m squint-eyed! When I look at Ibadan, you’ll think I’m looking at Oyo town. Let me confess; I can’t survive a minute without looking at your sister’s boobs. That is all I can do when I can’t touch them. When she turns her behind and I look, you’ll think I’m looking at her shoes. Bros, forget it, you’ll never catch me!
4. You won’t allow an ex-convict date your sister.
I’m not an ex-convict and I’ll never be convicted by any court of law in Nigeria. It’s not possible because I’m a sharp boy. As long as you don’t restrict people who have been investigated by EFCC, I won’t be disqualified. You should know that you are not yet a big boy in Nigeria unless EFCC investigates you. They rarely get convictions that much anyway. When was the last time you heard of one? James Ibori?
As for sagging trousers, I’ll never be caught in it. Trust me.
5. Crazy hairstyle?
Really, it’s not like I wouldn’t love having some Sango hairstyle but I’m going bald just like Segun Arinze. Low cut does it for me.
6. You don’t want me trying to impress you.
Bros, I won’t. I know you don’t send me. Actually, that feeling is mutual. I really shouldn’t have any business with you if not for that thing called love. I love your sister. Never mind, I won’t try to impress you.
7. You support Liverpool and you don’t want me teasing or making sarcastic jokes about that.
It’s obvious you are very bothered about the poor performance of your team. What if I inform you that I’m an Arsenal fan? Will that give you some comfort? At least till Arsene Wenger is fired.
8. You don’t want me to sleep with your sister until after our marriage
Well, I promise never to rape my sweetie. However, I will never deny her if she asks for sex. I’ll give it to her exactly the way she wants it anytime, anywhere and anyhow. I promise she’ll enjoy it. You’ll never know when we do it. Just assume I’m not sleeping with her. That will be better for all concerned, especially you.
Our hate for that self-styled biggest political party in Africa is quite mutual. You may ask your friends who know me very well. Ask Zebbok, Ayourb and Omojuwa.
10. You don’t want me to date any other babe while I date your sister
It’s not my style to double-date. Last year I dated about 6 chics but I never went to the next babe without calling it off with the previous.
However, if I decide to date two or three girls at a time, neither you nor your sister will ever find out. What you don’t know won’t kill you.
11. You don’t want me to lie to you because you own my ass?
I won’t lie. If you ever find out I lied to you, I’ll donate my wig and gown to charity. Why am I a lawyer then? You can continue to own my ass as long as I continue to have your sister’s ass. And more…..
12. I ignored the threat at the beginning of your piece but you have to take it easy. No one threatens Sagay. No one!
13. Social media
I look forward to your friendship request on Facebook, I’ll gladly accept. I already follow you on twitter so it won’t be a bad idea if you follow back. It’s not easy having a celeb like you on someone’s TL you know. As for BBM, you may get my PIN from your sister. However, I have to warn you here, if you send a stupid broadcast message to me, I’ll delete your ass off my Blackberry Porsche (yes, that’s what I use). Don’t mind my language; I’m seriously working on it.
Using your sister’s picture as my DP shouldn’t be an issue. I’ll use yours too on your birthday or whenever you win any award on twitter. You mentioned something like “2go” – what the hell is that?
As for happiness, you can’t determine when I’ll be happy because you really can’t make me sad. However, I will do all within my powers to make sure my darling is happy 24/7.
14. You don’t want me to be with her where there are beds or sofas.
Dear future brother-in-law, please be rest assured that I have painstakingly studied the list of places where I shouldn’t be with your sister unless there are Pastors or elderly people around. I’m sure you don’t want us to be in places where we can be tempted.
Your sister and I actually enjoy doing it in the car.
As for places where there’s dancing or holding of hands, I met her at a club. She never told you?
15. You want me to be afraid. Very afraid
I come from a town of warriors, so I’m unable to be afraid let alone be very afraid. If you think I should be scared of you because of the boys you rolled with at LAUTECH, then you have to find out the heroic deeds that led to my rustication from Moshood Abiola Poly (Ojere). I remain a legend there. Do not be deceived by my records at Ife.
So, it’s in your own best interest to stop the threats.
I look forward to reading your document tagged “Now That You Have Married My Sister”.
P.S: Please warn my rivals, if you know any, to stay off.
I’m @SagaySagy on twitter. Please follow back bro.