Tag Archives: God

Aloneness

Posted by topeolowu on


Last Friday I lost my oyster card!!!! This is simple and I will make it clear. Living in London means public transport is king. Driving makes no sense because public transport is relatively faster and more economical. Without your oyster card, commuting in London is virtually impossible. My monthly oyster card zone 2-3 cost me £85 and I lost it!!!!! Imagine losing your car keys; that is exactly what happened to me. I had dropped the kids off at school but was not yet at work. I was right in the middle of nowhere. I still had 2 weeks left on it. I decided to call my husband for some sympathy.

“Me: Hello Tunde”.

“Tunde: ooh! Tope, I’m sleeping; you know I don’t sleep well at night”.

“Me: How could you say that? You don’t even know why I called you. I’ve just lost my oyster card”.

At this point, I cut him off; I felt so alone. I’ve been married for over nine years, with two adorable daughters and a sometimes good husband. Scratch that, my husband is good but very human. I have wonderful friends and family that I’m extremely close to. I.AM.NOT.AN.INTROVERT but I felt so alone after that conversation with my husband. Please do not imagine a forlorn looking picture of me; all dejected and defeated. Nah!!! It is all in the mind. Aloneness doesn’t necessarily mean those who are seen sitting alone, all by themselves. That could sometimes be a sign of loneliness but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes we are surrounded by masses of people, yet we feel alone. Loneliness is a perceived feeling that we are alone to carry our burdens, we have no one to enjoy life with. In dictionaries, loneliness and aloneness are synonymous. However, some schools of thought argue that loneliness isn’t the same as aloneness. They claim loneliness is a state of mind when you are constantly missing a loved one. To them, it is a negative state of mind. Aloneness on the other hand is positive; it is sheer independence.  I disagree, in the context of this blog; I intend to use them as synonyms.

Aloneness or loneliness is often said to be human issues, and this could be said to stem from our “being a social animal”. God created wo (man) as a social being, to derive joy from the company of others. Now, you can tell me you are an introvert and I perfectly understand that not everyone is a chatterbox like me. However, introverts/ loners do want to be with and amongst people who love and accept them. Aloneness could be seen as dependence on other people to help maintain your self-esteem. Dependence is not necessarily unhealthy, and if most people who know you deliberately leave you out of their company, it is quite likely that there is some problem, either in them or in you (or, most likely in both). I am not talking about my Toni’s mantra; “Daisy and Tiana didn’t want to play with me”.

However, in a bid to conquer loneliness a lot of single people go into relationships that do not edify them. Some married people stay in abusive and/ or loveless relationships just because they cannot bear to be alone. They are scared to rock the boat. Loneliness is a universal human emotion that is both complex and unique to each person. It is a state of solitude; a state of aloneness, a state of mind. In the above conversation between Tunde and me, I want to believe it was normal for me to feel alone at that point. My husband is supposed to sympathise with me ke!!!!! A whole £85 lost; that isn’t beans!!!!

To that person who panics when left alone, and constantly seeks new relationships to fill that void of inner loneliness. I say learn to love yourself; enjoy your own company. Trust me, ghosts won’t come out of the woodwork * whispering, there’s no such thing as ghosts*. Learning to be alone can be educative; it could help you focus on who you really are. God encourages positive aloneness; Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God”.  People say if you are lonely as a single person; you are likely to be lonely in marriage. Well, I can’t remember being lonely as a single person but there are times I’ve felt lonely in my marriage. Tunde doesn’t get me at times. Well, I don’t understand me sometimes so I blame him not. However, I’ve learnt to enjoy my company. I will sometimes ask him to take the girls out so I can savour my own company. More often than not, I end up cleaning or on twitter but my company does not scare me. I understand that the physical or emotional absence of a loved one could make loneliness creep in. Read my lips; God created us to have dominion over all the earth, this includes our mind. It should not rule us.

So what did I do after the phone call? I called my sister, my cousin and my friend to solicit sympathy on my lost oyster card. Yes, and I tweeted about it too……what aloneness?

What if he beats me?

Posted by topeolowu on

                                                    Image copyright mentalhealth4muslims.com

Women’s Aid defined domestic violence as ‘a physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour’. This can include forced marriage and so-called ‘honour crimes’. Domestic violence  may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently ‘violent’.  I’ve decided to start off with a definition of domestic violence for a clearer perspective of how I want to approach the issue. I am very conversant with domestic violence. I’ve read about it, been on different trainings about it and I’ve seen one of my closest friend go through it.

However, I pondered on this question; What if domestic violence happens to me as Tope? What if Tunde turns into a monster and decides he wants to use me as a punching bag to build up his biceps? What if my marriage is a prison with 52 inch television? Would I pretend it’s not happening and recoil into my shell? That would tell the world all is not well because I don’t do shells. I announce my arrival!!!! Would I pack my bags and run for dear life? Would I just pray all will be well because the world, well my part of the world frowns on divorce cum separation? Talking about praying, would I just pray for divine intervention as a Christian? Or would I use my initiative and flee all appearances of evil as the Bible admonishes?

These are the questions that I’ve had to subject myself to. This is because when I read the story of the unloved girl written from the grave, my first thought was foolish girl, I bet he will remarry while you are still warm in the grave. However, I’ve come to realise that it is easy to make assumptions. Yeah, I know it is the least level of knowledge… Please raise your hands up if you have never assumed.  Sorry to digress, I’ve known my husband for 12 years and it will be hard to leave him; yes even if he beats me. There is something about change that rocks our being. Whether it is a change for good or bad; human nature revolts against it. When my friend suffered domestic violence, my voice was the loudest asking her to leave before he kills her. She was 33 years when she finally got married. They had the one child and the marriage was less than a year old. How could she just up sticks and leave? She must have been thinking. However, I was thinking this animal will kill you. I saw domestic violence, she saw a divorcee. I saw life beyond marriage; she saw a married life against all odds.  I saw a monster and a bully, she saw a lover, her husband who gets angry easily. I saw a new beginning, she saw her vows before God and man.

Back to my musing, so I thought long and hard about my life now and if domestic violence were part of it. My girls’ lives would be rocked, I would be back in the dating market ( that doesn’t sound bad). I would be a divorcee and would be regarded as a failure. I kid myself not; a divorcee is labelled as a failure in our part of the world. Gosh! I would have to mind my spending and cut down on the Kurt Geiger shoes….hmmmmmm!!!!! Ok, Tunde please don’t raise your hands against me, let’s resolve our issues amicably and civilly. It is highly possible social implications/ pressure would keep a victim of domestic violence quiet. This would stop her from telling anyone about the ordeal.

My two pence on this is women have a million and one reasons why they stay in that violent marriage. None of those reasons justify a life, I know. However, take a walk in her shoes before you go off ranting about how you would never condone what she’s putting up with. A listening ear, a sympathetic hug, a shoulder to cry on, a text or a phone call might just convince her to leave him. Women, please leave that brute before he sends you on a trip of no return. My friend left him and remarried; yes with her son in tow, she still found a good man. So all hope is not lost for you…….there’s a better man out there for you and he is not named ANIMAL.

Don’t Tell Me Bollocks About Men

Posted by topeolowu on

I sat on my bed musing on whether to put myself forward for the Superbloggers’ challenge again. Then I saw this on twitter; “We are age mates. You are married. I can’t even find a man. You are better than me. I hope that makes you feel better. Now get off my case :-) “. And this, ” Dear unborn baby, I am trying my best to get you the best dad in the world”.  Now, this got me super charged and loosened the writer in me. Different schools of thoughts have said a man does not complete a woman; a man should not be her identity. They say, “A woman’s strive for a successful career should be the one thing that propels her towards a state of completeness”. Did you get that? Ok let me re phrase it. They claim that if a woman cannot find a man, then her career should take the place of a man in your life. To that I say bollocks!!!!!!!
God made man and said  ”it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”. Marry this with the fact that wo (man) is a social being. We want someone that we can lay ownership to. Everyone wants that person you can call yours. The one person that makes your heart skips a beat (well for some it can be more than one person). The jury is still out on whether it is possible to love more than one person at a time. The one that is able to turn an introvert into an extrovert. The one that makes you throw caution to the wind and love with reckless abandon. If you are lucky to find that person and marry him; I believe you will feel wholeness; you will feel absolutely complete.
Modern life has deviated from the traditional ideology that a woman needs a man to reach a state of wholeness. We have been brain washed with the erroneous notion that a woman plus a good and solid career minus a man equals whole. Don’t get it twisted; I’m not saying I have to find this man by hook or crook but please don’t patronise me. If I am worried about my marital status please let me because it is my prerogative. Telling me a man does not complete me does not take the worries away; it actually makes it worse. This is because girls, not goats are getting married every Saturday. Please don’t tell me a man does not complete me till I find my man and marry him. Then, I will tell you if a man does or does not complete me. Please don’t tell me “all men are bastards anyway”. Trust me, I will ask my prospective mother in law respectfully if she played an away match. Please don’t tell me a man doesn’t complete me because the bible says “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall be one flesh”.  God said it, I believe it and that settles it; somebody shout hallelujah!!!!!
Please don’t tell me a man doesn’t complete me because my married friends have not left their matrimonial homes yet; maybe when they do I will believe you. Please don’t tell me a man doesn’t complete me because love remains bottled up inside me waiting to be shared with THE ONE. Suffice to say, I intend searching for that man that will complete me. I don’t intend settling for just any one but THE ONE. I will let you know when I need your advice; but right now please let me be; let me find my other half. Please take a walk in my shoes before you tell me I don’t need a man to be whole. I know you mean I can achieve my dreams without a man but who says I can not achieve my dreams with a man. All I am saying is, being single at a marriageable age can be worrying, irrespective of colour or status. It does not matter how successful a woman is; without a man to call yours; there is a huge vacuum.